The past couple of weeks have been challenging. As I mentioned in my last post, my second semester of school just started and my office is going through a re-organization, two major events and since I ditched my former coping mechanism of eating, I’ve been working hard to allow myself to feel all the stress, and process it the best way that I know how without shoving chips and cake and other junk in my face.
Eventually, the stress got the better of me and I had a few days of what I call “the blahs”, where I just don’t feel so great and I start thinking about all the things I am NOT vice all the things I am. One of the things I am not, and I wish I was, is outgoing and overtly social. I have always chosen friends who had those characteristics, but I have been more of the wallflower, the wing-man, kind of blending into the background and seemingly (at least to me) being invisible.
In the Harry Potter book series, Albus Dumbledore gives Harry an invisibility cloak that once belonged to Harry’s father. This gift protects Harry as he moves around the castle, among other places, while also aiding Harry in his sleuthing and protecting him from harm and danger. I have used my fat and low self-esteem as my invisibility cloak my entire life – protecting me from making friends, getting hurt and even knowing/loving myself – and I am getting pretty darn tired of it. I want to be seen, I want to be heard, I want to feel that my voice matters. Now I know my family and friends would argue that all of those things are already a reality, but in my mind, I am not fully convinced.
As of today, I have lost just over 50 pounds since January 1st, and 37 pounds since surgery. I am finally shedding my invisibility cloak and I can’t wait to see what happens next! I am not sure exactly how I am going to do it, but I think I will start by purchasing clothes that fit and flatter, vice the black on black ensembles that I used to be drawn to, it’s time that I allow color into my closet! Then, I think I will work on actually allowing myself to have an opinion about stuff again – when I was hiding behind the fat, I tended to shy away from sharing my opinion because I feared bringing attention to myself. Not anymore, I want the world to see me for who I am and recognize what I bring to the table.
It’s time to toss the invisibility cloak side and step out of the shadows into the world, it’s time to LIVE!!