Pondering Life

Have you ever wondered what you were doing here? I don’t mean here; sitting in front of your computer, reading a blog, I mean here in the “what is the point of life” sense of the word.  I often find myself wondering that and wondering/hoping there is more to it than this.

Don’t misunderstand me, I have a great life, I have a husband who loves me, two beautiful, wonderful daughters who I adore, a job paying me a decent salary, my bills are paid and there is a roof over my head. But I often wonder if there is a greater meaning to life.

There are days when my life seems so dull and mundane, that I can’t stand it. It’s the same thing, day after day. Work, school, housework, yard work, etc. I feel that I often don’t have much to talk about when someone asks; “how’s life?”

Then I listen to people who have lots to talk about and it seems that much of their lives are full of drama. This person is doing this and that person said this. I don’t really want that either.

So, what is it that I want?

I simply don’t know.  I want to explore local places, I want to be more active with my whole family. I want to have common interests with my husband. I want to be happy to hang out with my family without spending a ton of money. I want them to want that too. Right now, it seems we are all in different places. M is content sitting at home, playing WOW all day long, though he does go off with us when he has too when we are home he’s usually on the computer. S stays in her room when she’s home, playing solitaire on the computer and listening to her iPod. C wants to watch TV all day, though I can get her to go hiking with me, she’s the only one who enjoys it.

I want to feel as though my family WANTS to spend time together. When I was growing up, my parents taught me that family was everything. “blood is thicker than water” and “in the end, family is all you have”. No matter how different you were, you always loved your family and did what you could to help them.

My life isn’t that way anymore, mostly because we are so far away from family. It’s hard to see them and be with them all the time when they are 2,500 miles away. I really, really miss that feeling of being connected to someone.  I have my friends, and really, really great ones at that, but it just isn’t the same.

I also hate not having a plan. M is supposed to retire in three years, and we have no idea what we are going to do when that happens. I know that he is waiting to see if he makes Chief, then he will stay in longer, but I am really ready to move on with my life. I feel as if I have been in a holding pattern for the past 10 years and I am really getting bored with it. I want to know what I will be doing in five years. I want to know where I will be living, what he plans to do when he is no longer in the Navy and how he plans to get to that point.

I suppose I shouldn’t put all the pressure on him, I have no plan either. Although I am going to school and working full time, I have not been able to get a real savings account going, and I have no realistic plan for what to do with my degree when I get it. I keep saying that I want to write, but I have yet to start writing. I am allowing fear to stop me from moving forward and I think that is what M is doing as well. He does not know what he wants to do, so instead of putting time and effort into thinking about it and going for it, he just ignores it, hoping that he will magically figure it out one day.

It’s times like this that I miss being a kid with my whole life ahead of me. Then again, I really love my two girls and had I done better in school, gone to college, and found a career, I may not have them in my life now.  I can’t imagine not having them in my life now.  I suppose that answers that question then doesn’t it, this is what I am doing here now. I am raising two beautifully, charming girls who have captured my heart. I am watching them grow and learning from them as I try to teach them to become responsible, productive, members of society.

It is for them that I continue to go to school, even when it gets difficult and I want to quit. I want them to know that an education is extremely valuable, and once you have it, no one can take it away from you. I want them to have self-worth and know that they can do anything they want, if they want it bad enough and work hard for it. I want them to know that their Mom loves them, no matter what and will always be here for them.

I don’t know what the next forty years has in store for me, but I will do what I can to make it as fulfilling as I can. I can only work on my attitude and my outlook. I can only defeat my demons, and overcome my own fears.

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